Mom Jeans

I am so proud of my wife for fitting back in to her pre-pregnancy jeans. To celebrate, she went out today and bought some nice jeans. To be honest, I have lost track of what kinds of jeans are "cool" these days. At one time these jeans were cool:






and I used to wear them like this:







but now the more crap on the pockets, the cooler the jeans






this seems to be a bit much for me. Any thoughts? Better yet, what is an appropriate amount to spend on jeans? What is the most you've ever spent on jeans?

Do you own a pair of "Mom Jeans"?

Elvis, the Pelvis, ain't got nothing on Prime

Recently, my wife held a "Dork Contest" on her blog where I was one of the unwiling contestants. While my comment about Optimus Prime, the greatest Transformer of all time, does not rise to the level of belonging to the Celine Dion Fan Club, I must draw the line at the term "Dork" as used by my dear wife. What I said was probably "geeky" but certainly did not rise to the level of dorkdom.

A "dork" is someone who lacks social skills.

A "geek" is someone who is really into stuff like computers, comics, video games (usually to the point of obsession), but not necessarily a "nerd".

A "nerd" is someone who obsesses with being smart and will let you know how smart they are but may not be a "geek".

A "fernard" is someone who repeatedly performs acts of stupidity.

A "fathead" is someone with, well, a fat head.

My wife, for instance, obsesses over Elvis. She loves anything Elvis and knows all his songs, including all the bad ones. This would put her in the category of "Elvis Geek". Elvis, as pictured above, would be in the category of "fathead".

Adults wearing costumes

Should adults dress up for Halloween? People have asked me what I am going to be for Halloween and so far all I can say is "A Concerned Parent."

Is there a cutoff age? It seems like you can get away with it through middleschool and then you get weird looks at the door. You know exactly what I am talking about....those high schoolers who show up at the door wearing what they wore to school and some stupid mask they bought at Hot Topic.

When you become an adult it suddenly becomes appropriate again to "dress up". You go to Halloween parties, and sometimes dress up for work. However, one my favorite comics, Lewis Black, said that adults should not dress up for Halloween because, as an adult, you can wear a costume whenever you want. If you wanted to go into work tomorrow dressed as Batman you could. Your boss will ask, "Who are you supposed to be" to which you would reply, "I....am Batman."

Halloween also seems to be a free pass to many women to dress less "scary" and more "slutty". Yes, Halloween is free reign to dress up as ho-ish as you want and no one is technically allowed to call you "slutty" because you are just wearing a costume. It is bascially an excuse to wear your lingerie outdoors and I, for one, am all for it.

Car Buying

I sold my Porsche this weekend because Mims wanted a new car.

My peers keep telling me that I will get a minivan.

Let me tell you the chances of this happening. I will buy a minivan when:

1. I decide to rob a bank and I need a getaway vehicle.

2. I decide to move an object that is too small for a normal van.

3. The minivan is actually a Transformer that can change into a gigantic robot.

4. A minivan looks like a Ferarri.

5. A minivan is the preferred vehicle for time travel.

Assbooger Time

Assbooger let us know his favorite "world clock" for all of your upbeat scheduling.

Take a look:

http://www.poodwaddle.com/worldclock.swf

It's creepy-deepy.

Puke

If someone came up to you, screamed "WAWAWAWA!" and then puked milk on your shirt, you'd probably be a little miffed. You might even punch them in the face. What you wouldn't do is wipe off their mouth with a soft towel and then give them a kiss on the cheek.

So what's the deal with the babies? Mimi puked on me 7 times today and I still thought she was cute. I think she is secretly laughing at me because she can puke on me with impunity.

Why having a baby is like hanging out with a drunk college buddy:

1. Vommits on your shoulder
2. Wobbly; can't stand up without help
3. Incoherant speech
4. Drools
5. Pees/Poops in pants
6. Cries, then laughs often while farting
7. Likes boobs.

Assbooger Filing Method

Hi,

Let me remind everyone of a proper online filing process. A process has a set of numbered steps.

01.DoFirstThing

02.DoSecondThing

03.DoThirdThing

The step names should be active.

Within each step, you have Policy, Procedure, and Template directories as needed.

For example:

C:\DailyLife

Process

01.GetReadyForWork

01.GoToTheBathroom

Procedure

2007.03.30.GoToTheBathroom.Procedure.doc

02.TakeAShower

Procedure

2007.03.30.TakeAShower.Procedure.doc

03.BrushMyTeeth

Procedure

2007.03.30.BrushMyTeeth.Procedure.doc

02.GetReadyForBed

01.FlossMyTeeth

Procedure

2007.03.30.FlossMyTeeth.Procedure.doc

02.PutOnMyJammies

Procedure

2007.03.30.PutOnMyJammies.Procedure.doc

03.TurnOffTheLights

Procedure

2007.03.30.TurnOffTheLights.Procedure.doc

If a particular procedure is elaborate, for instance if "Putting on my jammies" was very difficult or anything like that, then maybe I would have a set of directory steps under there too...

Organize by the steps in the process...

Thanks,

Assbooger

Rooty tooty fresh and fruity

Hi,

I had a root canal today and the dentist told me this one was much more sensitive than a usual root canal because I had the week in Japan with the inflammation. It will take several more days to return to normal.

He told me to just go home today and sleep.

So I won't be in this afternoon.

Thanks,

Assbooger

Assbooger uses the word "Sheesh"

Hi,

There are a lot of low talent people out there, sheesh.

When we are doing agreement entry, we can't leave stupid messes like this in the file system. If someone left a mess before us, we have to stop and organize before moving on. We don't want to go to the dogs here, we have to stop and make it nice ;-).

Thanks much,

Assbooger

Pink Eye for the Straight Guy

Hi,

I’m in Dublin Ireland now, and it has apparently rained here every day for the last six weeks. I haven’t seen any sunlight over here, just clouds.

I’m meeting one of our old employees Michael Doorley for a drink and dinner this evening. He lives somewhere in Dublin. Tomorrow I’m off to Prague to visit a client, poor me.

My boy and I both now have pink eye as well. He must have given it to me as a going away present right before I left California..

Thanks,
Assbooger

BART is a funny place. Most of the time, a stinky place. One of these days, I want to bring a blacklight on and shine it over the seats. You know there's some crazy stuff living in those blue-green cushions. Here's a list of some of my favorite Bart "Riders"

1. The "Loud on the Cell Phone Guy" - This is the guy that answers his phone to the tune of "Sexual Healing" and speaks as though he were a newscaster in a hurricane.

2. The "Guy Who Stands with his ass right in front of my face"- If I can smell what you had for dinner yesterday....you may be too close.

3. That "Staring Guy" - the guy in black who sits in the corner and stares at you. When you catch his gaze, you get a glimpse of pure crazy.

4. The overly "Excuse Me" girl - she says excuse me twenty times when she actually means to say "Go fuck yourself."

5. The "Stinky" - if there's one on BART, chances are, he is going to sit next to you.

Assbooger Introduction

Assbooger Introduction
So....I think my boss may have Asperger syndrome, or Assbooger syndrome, whichever you prefer:

Asperger syndrome (also referred to as Asperger's syndrome, Asperger's disorder, Asperger's, or AS) is a condition on the autistic spectrum. It manifests in various ways and can have both positive and negative effects. It is typically characterized by issues with social and communication skills. The diagnosis of AS is complicated by the lack of standardized diagnostic criteria. Instead, several different screening instruments and sets of diagnostic criteria are used. AS is often not identified in early childhood, and many individuals are not diagnosed until they are adults. Assistance for core symptoms of AS consists of therapies that apply behaviour management strategies and address poor communication skills, obsessive or repetitive routines, and physical clumsiness. Many individuals with AS can adopt strategies for coping and do lead fulfilling lives — being gainfully employed, having successful relationships, and having families. In most cases, they are aware of their differences and can recognize if they need any support to maintain an independent life.[4]

He sends out crazy COMPANY WIDE emails -- like this one in response to a birthday party he threw for his son [using company funds]:

Hi,

I wanted to say thanks for the nice picnic yesterday. Litte Assbooger was very happy with all of his little birthday presents as well; a few of them were very good really.

He was in a good mood all evening after that as well.

Thanks,

Assbooger
___________________

Hi,

If you have a child, this is serious business. Thomas Tank Engines toys are everywhere...

Thanks,

Assbooger
_________________________

Hi,

Well barbecue season is officially open at the Assbooger house now. The gas grill is repaired finally.

Thanks,

Assbooger
_______________________

Hi,

I think we pay considerably more when work is shotty upstream and has to be cleaned up downstream. It is considerably more expensive to clean up downstream.

Everyone should stop doing this kind of work and get process and approval correct and stop letting badly designed or improperly finished work fall onto others.

Basically, a lot of shitty incomplete work is finding its way to my plate simply because the people don’t have their house in order and are not well organized.Let’s clean this up promptly.Get process and design correct and make sure work is properly reviewed and clean.Have a good day.

Thanks,

Assbooger